Are you sure you are a Christian - AND - at the same time - you feel so much fear it almost consumes you at certain moments? Are you scared of the uncertain future? The unknown – like a cure for this pandemic? Has this affected your job? Your Income? Your mental stability?
Trust me you are not alone if you answered the above other than the stock – God is with me and I know it and I absorb it answer. Truthfully it seems to be the new normal these days to be in a position of doubt sometimes. Oh I don’t mean doubting God but wondering about what’s next. Hasn’t this thing taken way too much from us all – even if we didn’t get the virus? My answer is undeniably YES.
I feel like every person I know has had some degree of stress from this whole thing. Compounded with the stresses of normal life – UGH – some days are better than others. Then there are folks who just really struggle. I read this statement as part of a devotional the other day and it gave me some pause time - And slowly I turned into someone I didn’t recognize. My strong but normally carefree spirit became a confusing mix of anxiety, panic attacks and soul-blinding pain so intense I thought I’d never feel healthy or regain a sense of normalcy again. And because I’d been through so much that was hard to process, a darkness started to cloud my outlook that used to be optimistic. – this seems to happen when we jump in that pit and waller in the muck, when we let our stinking thinking go unchecked. In my peaks and valleys over the last few years I can identify with the writer. For the most part I feel really happy that I have more good days than not, more happy times, more prayer time and answered prayers that keep me out of that pit. I just want to say this, I realize just how easy fall in could be. Oh so easy it could be.
Early on in this Covid time frame I developed a cough and I felt like it was moving to my chest, for me I am always very proactive when sickness like this sets in for me. Thankfully it’s not often. I knew that I would need to ensure I got a good amount if not more than normal sleep and I knew it needed to be restorative good sleep. Not just cat naps. This is when my body does its best work to restore me to good as new. I needed to be intentional about going to bed at a decent time and doing all I could to ensure that good sleep. In years past I’ve gotten bronchitis if I don’t get to the doctor quickly when it’s moving in to the chest area. So I’m coughing and before I could even get an appointment scheduled with my doctor - my boss tells me I need to get Covid tested, I guess my co-workers had heard my cough and become concerned. I can understand that totally. I admit though, I was nervous, scared and the more time that went by the greater the fear.
Now let me tell you where doubt crept in I admit, I let it, I admit it was a moment of weakness for me. The next day I had a teledoc video to schedule the Covid test and the PA asked the relevant questions and I told her I honestly thought it was bronchitis, she was not so optimistic which caused me to wonder and doubt more. So after this phone call I doubted, what I believed was wrong with me. Could I have Covid, what if I did? Oh gosh, the quarantine, the physical effects, could I have been exposed at work, or otherwise. I had been being careful about my going places, I had been wearing my mask, using sanitizers’, heck my boss was the king of spray at our office and he propped open every door so we would have to touch nothing. I later went to the appointment but my nerves by this time were just worked up and ready for good news. I just am not sure I’d know what to do if I got bad news at this point. Nose swabbed, off I go. They will call with results soon. At that point I pulled over my car and I got mad and I mean MAD, capital M Mad. No No and NO. God (I prayed) please help me, help calm this storm in me because I know You are greater than Covid, Greater than any worry, Greater than any sickness. Give me what I need to get through. Please rescue me from this. Amen – now I decided I am going to go get some lunch and head back to work. Whatever the outcome, I will not be alone. I might be quarantined but I’m not going to be alone. Ok DONE…settled… I am choosing LIGHT and not darkness and doubt.
John 8:12, “When Jesus spoke again to the people, he said, ‘I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.’” (NIV)
No sooner than I got my lunch, drove towards my office and got about ½ mile away my phone rang and it was the testing facility. The man said, “Ms Parker I’m calling from ___ facility with your test results”. I was not nervous, I just told him I was driving and asked if I needed to pull over. He said – Nope you’re fine. No worries. BOOM
Now I would not have been angry at God if He danced in front of me singing “Told you, Told you” grin. He didn’t and I was so grateful for the negative result. I felt silly for doubting but then after thinking about it and praying about it I realized this. Everyone, even the most devout Christ follower has moments when they are weak. There are no exceptions. I’m sure even someone like the Pope has moments of doubt.
It is what we do with those moments that helps or hinders our future in doubt. If we fail to remember these situations in those future ones then nothing has been learned. I believe God wants us to learn from our own but also learn from the lessons of others. To illustrate that clearly –I ask you - why else would I feel led to write this blog on this very subject.
Just want to pause right here and say this – my friend – if you straight battle with doubt, depression and the downs. Take heart, give yourself a break and remember that God knows you, He knows every hair on your head, He planned you. He wants you to remember His Light - Him in these times of need. You were created on purpose… with a purpose. He understands these low points… He knows … why else do you think God collects our tears in His bottle?
Psalm 56:8 (KJV) 8 Thou tellest my wanderings: put thou my tears into thy bottle: are they not in thy book?
God cares when you are upset, crying, doubtful. He does not want this for us. He wants us to rely on Him remember Him and lean on Him. Choose the light and not the doubt. Do what Jesus did when He was tempted in the Garden.
Matthew 4:10 10 Jesus said to him, “Away from me, Satan! For it is written: ‘Worship the Lord your God, and serve him only.’”
That is perfect – Away from me Satan! GET GONE and don’t be coming back!!
Dear Heavenly Father, Today I humbly ask You to be with every person reading this. First, help us all to remember in times of doubt that You are the Light, we need to remember first to turn to You in prayer. Please protect us all from even getting to these times of doubt. In this time we find ourselves in please help us have peace in our minds and peace in our hearts to move through the days, weeks, months or however long it takes. I am grateful that You are always there, that you care enough to collect our tears. Thank You for the light. AMEN
Annie this was so wonderful. Glad you are okay. I think we all get like that. God is good.