You’ve heard of Robert Frost, right? I read his works in school and this one has really stuck with me. Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, And sorry I could not travel both And be one traveler, long I stood And looked down one as far as I could To where it bent in the undergrowth; Then took the other, as just as fair, And having perhaps the better claim, Because it was grassy and wanted wear; Though as for that the passing there Had worn them really about the same, And both that morning equally lay In leaves no step had trodden black. Oh, I kept the first for another day! Yet knowing how way leads on to way, I doubted if I should ever come back. I shall be telling this with a sigh Some-where ages and ages hence: Two roads diverged in a wood, and I— I took the one less traveled by, And that has made all the difference.
The roads I’ve taken to get here, where I am now, there has been some growth along the way. Sometimes I took the path already laid out and sometimes I took the road less travelled. Taking that new road was fun and not because I had to side step and redirect. Growth, how does that happen? I’m talking personal growth. It happens when you get serious about what you want for yourself. It happens when you decide to take control – take captive your thoughts and actions, aspiring to form them in to good thoughts, great thoughts, and then great actions to follow. This happens when there are people out there that you see growing and you want what they have, you reach out to grasp it and find out that it’s going to be a time consuming piece of work to get you there. How did it (I) get this messed up? How did I lose sight of me in the day to day life? Oh no before you panic thinking I’m in a bad space – I’m not. read on and see – it’s about my journey up to now. Travelling the two roads.
If I am being honest, I am an analyst, oh not by profession but just me and every day experiences. Especially when something happens to me or someone I love. I try to analyze it and figure out why. What purpose did it serve to have to go through this, especially negative things. What possible reason do they have? I want to figure it out, know the answer. Hoping that by knowing or seeing the lesson that I can gain wisdom from it.
I was not even thirty when I became a single Mom. I fought a long hard battle (to keep my family) that ended in me and my two year old leaving and trying to move on with life, so from the age (my daughter) of 2 to 22 I was a single parent. Looking backwards it seemed like I was on overdrive. I handled life as it came including good things and bad, or so I thought. I was not intentionally sweeping things under the rug. I genuinely felt like I handled life as it came during these years. I was… Mom and Dad, caregiver, caretaker, taxi, head of house, maid, cook, servant and everything else that goes with being a single parent, it created in me someone who didn’t have time for me and my feelings much. I was getting on with it. Twenty years of doing the same thing seemed like it was ok. Now mind you, I felt like things were fine, it won’t be for years that I’ll figure out some things I missed though. Much like walking the path and not seeing the tall weeds I had gotten myself in to. I was more focused on the destination.
Colossians 1:11 Being strengthened with all power according to his glorious might so that you may have great endurance and patience
2 Corinthians 1:6 If we are distressed, it is for your comfort and salvation; if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which produces in you patient endurance of the same sufferings we suffer.
2 Corinthians 6:4 Rather, as servants of God we commend ourselves in every way: in great endurance; in troubles, hardships and distresses
You don’t know what you don’t know until you know it. Again - You don’t know what you don’t know until you know it. Sometimes when you are in the midst of things – in the thick of it you might not see the need for the situation or even see your part in it but keep looking, keep seeking. You likely don’t see the lesson until after we are done with the experience. There seems to be a common theme in many of my writings, strength, endurance, perseverance, learning, battle – I get this is the case, but don’t feel bad because there is so much good that comes from the battle, now I don’t want to battle daily, but every so often Yes I think it’s necessary to figure out this whole ‘life” game. In the middle of the battle you may not know you are wounded, I think – NO- I know – the reason why is because God is protecting you in the storms. He will allow you to experience this thing and He will be with you in the midst of it. When it’s over He will let you come back and work things out. God wants you to trust Him in the battle, He wants you to lean on Him.
My go to experience is my Mom (getting sick and eventually passing away) because it’s a perfect example of how this (what I’m talking about) works, how I have grown and gained some lessons. We found out practically the same day that her stomach exploded, I am not kidding, literally it exploded, she had to have surgery to repair it – as if that alone wasn’t horrible enough – after surgery they tell her and us that the cause of it is stomach cancer. I remember getting that phone call all too well. It was early in the morning and my sweet baby sister called. She was tasked with telling the rest of us. First of all I can’t imagine how she felt getting the call but then having to turn around and tell her brothers and sisters about Mom. After we got off the phone I sat there alone with my thoughts and then I cried, just streaming tears, then I got mad. Why? Why Mom? No way, not Mom, I feel like I want to just fall apart and just curl up in a big ball and cry, I will just cry… After what felt like an eternity I prayed. I prayed for strength, I prayed for hope, I prayed for supernatural healing for Mom. Then I had to call my daughter who was a hundred miles away. She was working at our church camp. I knew before asking that – yes – she would come home and go south with me to see Mom – because there was no question about was I going – in a heartbeat YES, it’s a 350 mile drive. At this point we knew there was cancer but we didn’t know the extent until we were on the road heading down there.
In my mind and heart I was handling this. Daughter is on the way, now my mind has another concern – will she drive safe getting home.. To stop my mind from going places I did not need to go I did the smartest thing I could. I used my phone a friend – help line. I called my friend. I knew she would understand. We talked and for the life of me I don’t remember what was said, I know this though. I felt the love of a friend when I got off the phone, I knew I had good support. There was so much unknown, how bad, how long, what can we do? Is there anything we can do to fight this and win? As I am waiting for the kid to get home I got visits from three friends. My precious phone a friend had called two other friends and they were on a mission… to help. So the one friend she called just so happened to be a mechanic. He rolled up and checked out my car to be sure it was road worthy. I remember sitting there talking to him in the parking lot while he checked it over, I was thanking God and him for taking away any concerns about car safety, I know I certainly didn’t need the extra worries. The phone a friend and another friend arrived shortly after he left bringing snacks, bottled water, a gas card and a roll of quarters (you know for the vending machines in the hospital). They thought of it all. I felt beyond blessed that I didn’t have to think about or worry about these things – done for me. Oh Lord what a blessing!! HUGE
So we find out the “report” and digest that, Mom finally gets to come home. She never wanted to know what the doctors said about her time left. It didn’t matter to her what they said, she was going to live out what time she had left on her terms. On Gods time. She lived seven months, it was stage 4 and even though she was scheduled to see an oncologist she passed before that appointment. Longer than they said, by a long shot. I had decided on that first drive down to see her that if God saw fit to give me a minute, a week, a month, a year that regardless of the time I got with her, I would be grateful. I would praise Him for any time and all time I got. We made the most of the time as we could. She lives 300 miles from me so we visited every few weeks. We had lots of good fun and laughs, we had celebrations, we had time to just sit and be still, we had times of strong faith, we had another Thanksgiving which was her favorite holiday, and we also got a Christmas which was precious. After she passed away I still kept thinking how grateful I am that I got seven months and not two. I kept praising God for the time and the talks, the memories made with her, with family. I thanked God that as I watched her breaths slow, then stop, now she was free… I thanked God that there was no more pain, no more not being able to not eat, no more borrowed time. I was grateful. Her memorial service was very lovely, just my opinion. All I wanted was to honor Mom and I felt like we did.
Now you can read all the above and can see - I managed it pretty good. It does not appear at all like I didn’t mourn or have a hard time, for sure I did. Every person is different in how they handle hard situations and death. Normally I am not a fan of viewings. I really dislike them at a matter of fact, I avoid them at all costs. For Mom, I wanted to see her again, I knew she was in her pretty blue suit and her hair was done very nice. She looked wonderful. This time it was ok, not traumatizing like some of the others. There was a wake afterwards, a celebration of her life. Every person in the room went around and said something about Mom, it was precious and I felt so lucky to be her daughter. I was also so touched that so many people really loved her, I heard how she touched them too. At her actual funeral the next day my phone-a-friend, her daughter and the other friend actually drove 300 miles to be with me. I was so busy helping my Pop and my siblings, my daughter, that I didn’t realize my own needs. Seeing them walking up took my absolute breath away. I felt so emotional – something just for me, I needed that and God knew, my friends knew. Thank God they did. Thank God they did!
I believed I got past it, I believed I handled it well or correctly anyways. Little did I know until recently that I had more work to do. Not that I didn’t do it right the first time but I think I missed a few steps. Circling back to the whole single parent thing, I learned over time to just blaze forward, keep going, keep moving, momentum. In doing this sometimes you miss things you don’t close the circle so to speak.
My daughter got married and moved out of my house, so I am alone now. No more Single Mom. It’s just me, my thoughts and thoughts. Here we are- I am where I am, things that I have not finished or didn’t handle the right way are coming to the surface and I now have to deal with them. I have to figure out the right way to get things done and wrap them up.
2 Corinthians 6:4 Rather, as servants of God we commend ourselves in every way: in great endurance; in troubles, hardships and distresses
This far along I have different or better tools, my eyes feel more open. I feel sure about things and myself. I had to “handle” some things that I didn’t do right the first time. When you heat up things in your life it’s a lot like metal purification, you turn up the heat to melting point then when it’s good and hot you skim off the impurities, leaving only the good stuff.
Isaiah 1: But I will also turn my hand against you! I will cleanse your impurities as with lye and remove all your alloyed base metal.
Now that I have those better tools, now that I am able to not only see clear but handle these things so they are done and settled. I realize that all those years I managed but wasn’t completing the process. I feel like I developed something like a turtle shell, something to protect against the elements but not the true armor I needed. I feel like I have stripped off that turtle shell, gotten my act together. Now I am not ten-feet-tall and bulletproof. Honestly, the shell is gone and boy do I sometimes feel like a set of new skin that someone just ripped the Band-Aid off of. I don’t know – I think not being all tough and hard shell is ok. It’s not a crime to be sensitive and soft. This feels good. A balance between the two. Finding the sweet spot. This is growth. This is where I want and need to be. Now I have the right armor.
Ephesians 6:10-17 The Armor of God 10 Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. 11 Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. 12 For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. 13 Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. 14 Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, 15 and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. 16 In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. 17 Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.
A Pastor once said, sometimes it takes time to get to the point you are supposed to reach after you figure out that you are supposed to make the trip, let me put it how he did, when the Israelites were first released from Egypt, they didn’t go straight to the promised land, they wondered in the desert for 40 years. Why – it wasn’t the time for them to be there. If they had gone right away they would have faced a Philistine army and been soundly defeated, most likely they either would have been crushed or they would have turned and ran back to bondage versus getting clobbered. They had to wonder around and learn some lessons, get some coping skillz and then go there, arriving with some good purification in order to be better people and more faithful.
Let’s Pray
Dear Heavenly Father, For this prayer, I just want to thank You. I want to praise You for all the blessings, the times You were there to have my back. Teaching me the good lessons, Thank You for placing special people in my life at just the right time to be your hands and feet. I am grateful for all your blessings in my life and in the lives of those reading this. In Jesus Most Precious Name - Amen
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