Selfishness is the Root of all Evil

Is it ever a good thing to be selfish?  I admit that I never used to think about intentionally being selfish. I would agree that it was the furthest thing from my mind. I just was not brought up to be selfish. Oh so every so often you succumb to something somewhat selfish but you allow it because it seems to be good for you in some form or fashion.

healthy selfishness is essential in enabling us to recognize and escape situations where we are being treated unfairly, exploited or even abused. A prime example of this would be in the context of certain 'toxic' relationships where another's demands are placed entirely above your own reasonable needs.

Since the whole covid mess folks have really leaned in to “mental health” issues and started allowing mental health to be Ok rather than taboo, doing things to promote good mental health is something folks do these days. I’m sure in my parents day it was just be ok – pull yourself up – get over it. You know the drill.

So lets go there. Let’s visit a selfish time in my life. In all honesty I actually hate to admit this but if I am telling the truth then I was – Selfish

SELFISH

Philippians 2:3-4:  "Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others

So My Mom has been battling stage 4 stomach cancer for 7 months. The up side of this is the doctors said she had 2 months “realistically” and boy did she show them. She never knew what the doctors gave as a timeline. I’m glad for that because she did things on her own terms. Best way to do it! So for pretty much all seven months she had good days and some so-so days but in all of it we all tried to make memories, have fun, laugh and love.

I called my Mom every day on the long road trip to get home from work. It was a great time of catch up, talk things over and just time – time with her which was so precious to me.

Monday through Wednesday I got to talk to her, Thursday was a turning point. When I called my Pop said, she’s having a bad day today and really can’t talk. This really bothered me. I was deep in my own head about this and feeling scared.

Galatians 5:17-21  NIV   ¹⁷ For the flesh desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the flesh. They are in conflict with each other, so that you are not to do whatever^[a] you want. ¹⁸ But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the law. ¹⁹ The acts of the flesh are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; ²⁰ idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions ²¹ and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God.

That night when I laid down to get ready for the night, I prayed. I pray every night, it’s the last thing I do before I go to sleep. I’ve always thought – The last thing I do is talk to God then if its my time – that’s a good last thing.

This night my prayers were desperate – “God, I’m scared. Please please keep Mom alive until I can get there this weekend.”, “God just don’t let anything happen until I can be there one more time” Amen and I go to sleep, fitfull sleep – cried myself to sleep. This is my MOM!!!

In the middle of the night I woke up from a dead sleep, I sat straight up in bed and was crying. I was also sweating like I had a high fever. My mind was racing and I had a horrible headache. The moment my head cleared from sleep I immediately thought – Oh my gosh how utterly selfish of me to pray that prayer.  I so love my Mom and I would never for one instant want her to suffer and clearly she was suffering. Oh my gosh, my heart hurt so bad in this moment. I felt horrible about myself. How could I pray that?  Selfish Selfish and more selfish.

So the new prayer, “God please hear me now, please let Mom not suffer, if it is Your will to take her before I can get there then I’m submitting to Your will – not mine, as hard as this is to pray it’s my absolute desire for her not to suffer”  AMEN

Renewed tears, they were really flowing. Did I just give up all control? Yes, I did. Now I just have to leave it in God’s hands. This is so hard but I know it’s the right thing to do. God will hold her and keep her. I just have to trust.

Even typing this now is hard, I still feel horrible for my initial reaction in prayer. I still remember how this felt. I also remember leaving around 11 on Friday to head there at my youngest sisters insistence, she told us – it’s time to get here no time to waste. My Oldest sister and I rode together, one of the most silent trips I can remember. There just wasn’t much to say, much we could say. We had already agreed long ago that when something happens to Mom, it’s just not going to be ok. We were both lost in our shattered thoughts.  We made it and she was actually awake and lucid. She was on some heavy pain meds at this time because the vomiting was really bad.

We both got hugs and she said, “this medicine is kicking my butt” This was her last full day. Soon they bathed her and put her favorite Honeysuckle lotion on her and she was resting easy. I went in to sit with her often and started reading to her from the Bible. I prayed when I wasn’t in there and sometimes when I was. I just watched her breathe, prayed and read. In my prayers I was mostly thankful, I totally thanked God for keeping her alive so I could get one more hug. One more smile, one more piece of time.

Oh Lord, I am both sorry and happy all at once about this situation. I am so eternally grateful to You for allowing Mom to stay alive until we could get there. I know my whole family is grateful too. Lord, I am sorry for the selfish prayer. I ask for forgiveness in asking, I know you understand it was desperate love that this prayer came from. I thank You for being there with her every step of the way and allowing her to have seven months of more good days than not, more memories, more love and more time. I just don’t feel like thanks is enough, it means everything to me to have gotten that time. As hard as it was to face her impending death, I am grateful to have that time.  Lord, for anyone reading this today that has prayed selfish prayers like me, I know you understand why, Lord just help us all to see before we pray or at least see at some point to we can pray the right prayers. In Jesus Name I pray - AMEN